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Sep
03

Love Notes: What Happens When He Lies
Author: Gayla Wick
Love Notes: What Happens When He Lies

How does a lie affect a love relationship or any relationship?  Most decent mature people do not get into trouble by intentionally lying to someone they care about.  Or do they?  Life is not black and white anymore, if it ever was - it’s more complicated than that. After all, we’re humans here to sort through life and make mistakes, hopefully to learn important lessons.  During a recent episode, another couple in the television series, Married at First Sight, Doug and Jamie faced the dilemma of what do to when a lie threatened to derail their relationship. This particular lie was rooted in fear like most lies are – fear of the other person’s reaction and/or fear of the consequences of telling the truth.  Here is my take on the true cost of deception in a love relationship.

Emotional Intimacy Suffers: Jamie struggled to open up to Doug since they first met and married the same day.  Her horrific childhood made her super cautious of other people.  Over the first weeks of their marriage Doug was patient giving Jamie all the time she needed to get to know and trust him.  Just as she was relaxing and feeling genuine interest in him and their future together, Doug made a classic mistake.  He lied to her and compounded that lie by swearing on his own mother.  Not good.  In fact, a very bad plan indeed.  It appeared he lied out of fear that she would be too angered by the truth.  He quickly learned that his lie upset her far more than the truth might have.  The focus of the ensuing discussion was clearly on the breach of trust rather than on his action. Prior to the lie, this couple was well on their way to creating emotional intimacy – a crucial part of a successful love relationship. Now Doug would need to find his way back to into her heart, if at all possible.

Physical Intimacy Suffers: Unlike Vaughn and Monet who chose physical intimacy first, Jamie and Doug have progressed only to holding each other and kissing.  This was a big first step for them since Jamie initially had no physical attraction to Doug.  Their relationship evolved as they spent time together in important conversation. Just as Jamie was sharing her heart with Doug and beginning to trust and care for him, the lie intervened.  I suspect he was embarrassed by his reaction to the stress of seeing her so upset about her past and the lie came out before he could calmly think through his choices. Their discussion did not resolve the issue and he was shown camping out on the couch.  I’m rooting for them to find a way past this early indiscretion and if they do, it must never happen again. If you’re not watching, you probably want to know what happened.  In short, he denied smoking a cigarette.  Although he’d given up smoking, he fell off the wagon under duress.  I think most of us would agree the truth would have been best. Confessing could have brought them closer together.  She would have seen his emotional side as a deeply caring partner that was affected by her pain.

You know how you’ve felt when your trust was betrayed by someone you cared about.  It’s heartbreaking and depending upon the severity of the deception, recovery may not be possible. If you are tempted to tell an untruth in a relationship to make yourself look or feel better, I encourage you to make a different choice.  If he’s the one for you he’ll accept you as you are.  If he doesn’t then he’s not for you. If he lies to you, take that as red flag to be dealt with before he breaks your heart.  There is no substitute for honesty in a love relationship.

Until next time remember: “Happy couples make truth and trust non-negotiable.”

I'd love to hear from you.  Please leave a comment or question below and you can let me know what you’d like to read about in my upcoming blog posts. 

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