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Sep
28

Are You Settling for the Icing Without the Cake?
Author: Gayla Wick
Are You Settling for the Icing Without the Cake?

Falling in love with the partner of your dreams is like having the most delicious piece of cake imaginable. My husband knows I love cake, but really what’s the connection here? Last week while talking with a friend, we discussed the difference between falling in love and falling in lust. Many, if not most of you will have experienced the gulf between these two experiences. My friend went on to say that falling in lust is like having only the icing on the cake. I loved this analogy because it really rings true when we stop to think about it.

If you ordered a piece of cake for dessert and the waiter brought out a plate of icing, you’d probably be asking what happened to the cake. I know if I ordered a piece of cake and was given only the cake, I’d be asking, where’s the icing? For most of us we expect this quintessential dessert to include the cake, a creamy filling and some decadent icing in the same way we’d expect a peanut butter sandwich to include the bread, the jelly and the peanut butter. If any one of the ingredients is missing, we’re left unsatisfied.

What this means for a love relationship is the subject of several chapters in my book, The Character of True Intimacy. I believe most of us are seeking true intimacy with another on many levels: emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. Having a truly intimate relationship occurs in the context of character – those core values or ethics we want and need to feel safe and secure in a love relationship. Being authentic, trustworthy, kind, compassionate and genuinely loving are a few of those values. I think this is like the ingredients of a perfect cake – a wonderful foundation for the icing. And icing like physical intimacy is a sweet and desirable part of any complete love relationship. Cake just isn’t as delicious or satisfying without the icing. Having a plate of icing is a recipe for a sugar high followed by a blood sugar crash. I believe having the complete piece of cake or the complete healthy and whole relationship is worth waiting for.

Until next time remember: Truly satisfying love relationships are based upon shared intimacy at all levels (the cake and the icing)!

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